My warrants are pretty outstanding.
You Might Also Like
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.