My warrants are pretty outstanding.
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velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
If you want my opinion ask my wife
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
