My warrants are pretty outstanding.
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From the videos I’ve seen lately, I only need a few simple steps to renovate my kitchen:
Step 1. Come into a large inheritance
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
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