My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
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When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
(flirting with the waitress) so how hot does the oven have to be to melt the tuna?
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark