Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First day of dropping kids off at school]

*Hugs and crying*

[2nd day]

“Get out!”

you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.

Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.

My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep

*finally finds comfiest position in bed*

bladder: so you’re not going to believe this

You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.

Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex

Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.

My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.

I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.

I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”

*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack

My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”

Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.

Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.

Told her not to worry, someone else will.

If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.

7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”

[spreading rumors]

me: R
O
R
U M
S

9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas

netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.

I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.

acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life

unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life

I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.

Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.

Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…

so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.

My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum

Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?

*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”

“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”