My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
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A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Is this a threat?
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Incredible customer service.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Anarchy
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.