Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*

does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?

*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs

mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*

avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day

I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.

People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”

“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”

Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔

How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”

My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister

One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”

Torturer: you shock him this time

Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle

Torturer: no not— wait really

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.

10: will be a teacher

5: a doctor

3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.

*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*

Acme online: people who buy this also buy

– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil

My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing it

I have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him

This is motherhood

BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what

You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud

to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here

Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.

Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex

Me: Yeah

Gf: I’m having twins

Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies

A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.

Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.