My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
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Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Always a housemaid, never a house.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
I’ve been lied to my entire life
this meeting could have been a push down the stairs
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
all bases covered
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.