Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Going feral. Y’all need anything?

a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again

SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid

I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.

I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado

5: can i play the wii?

me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?

5:

me:

5: but she’s still sleeping!!

me: i don’t want to die today.

Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out

3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!

If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.

Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4

celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop

I’m too Shreksy for my shirt

I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.

Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.

WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER

I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.

Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?

Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.

Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early

♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫

You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also

We are not the sane

Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.

Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.

[police lineup]

Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’

Suspect 1: boing boing

Suspect 2: boing boing

Desk lamp: boing boing

Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband

Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.

Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.

If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain

I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.

the only bumper sticker ill allow

Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?

Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.