Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I can’t feel my legs”

–mermaids

me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper

You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.

*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.

This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses

sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks

Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.

watched the godfather with my little sister and after 2 hours of silence she uttered an incredulous “he’s elf’s dad” before falling asleep. never showing her a film again

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

Just looked up my son’s search history.

Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.

I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.

Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.

Cop: have you been drinking?

Stork: no

Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg

Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with

9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?

Me: Slept in.

Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99

The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..

Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.

Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.

Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first

You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.

[christmas day]

God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they

Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever

God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer

I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.

Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?

Dumb Bob: You add S.

T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.

DB: [writes] SNAIL

No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.

<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahh

Yeah, I felt that.

Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.

the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts

I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.