Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.

*Daycare drop off*

4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.

I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.

6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.

7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?

I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘golfed’

“May I have it in a sentence please?”

Sure. He golfed with a tee.

“G-O-L-F-T”

It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST

ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!

ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.

[1st date]

HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season

ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.

Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?

5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.

Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.

Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer

I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.

Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome

Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?

Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK

My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal

CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.

I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].

Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”

This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila mockingbird.

Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.

Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.

I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.

IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS

fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious

Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them

daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices

Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*