My washing machine is broken so I had to wear my high school band uniform to work today

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Being on twitter has made my spelling, grammar and vocabulary so much gooder.


Crush: what u up to

Me: about to take a shower and listen to music

Crush: nice, what kind

Me: *nervously* one with water


“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.


Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.


GOD: I call those trees and plants

ANGEL: very beautiful

GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them

ANGEL: dude who hurt you


Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love


I hope I get a good grade on my kids science project this year.


Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.


[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado