@EtobicokeErnie

My washing machine is broken so I had to wear my high school band uniform to work today

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@OctoberJones

In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.

@phxguy88

A Facebook friend posted 8 pictures of himself fixing a lawnmower, so I drove over and shot him. It just felt like the right thing to do.

@Ygrene

Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head

@craigdtull

Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.

@MooseAllain

Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.

@ThugRaccoons

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?

@HomeWithPeanut

[1st date]

Her: So, were you born here?

Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.

@realHamOnWry

You can lead a horse to water, but you have to work really, really hard to get him up on water skis.