In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
My washing machine is broken so I had to wear my high school band uniform to work today
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A Facebook friend posted 8 pictures of himself fixing a lawnmower, so I drove over and shot him. It just felt like the right thing to do.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
M: It was
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
You can lead a horse to water, but you have to work really, really hard to get him up on water skis.