Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
You Might Also Like
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text