My washing machine is broken so I had to wear my high school band uniform to work today

You Might Also Like


In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.


A Facebook friend posted 8 pictures of himself fixing a lawnmower, so I drove over and shot him. It just felt like the right thing to do.


Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head


Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.


Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.


Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.


I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?


[1st date]

Her: So, were you born here?

Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.


You can lead a horse to water, but you have to work really, really hard to get him up on water skis.