My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
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this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
I cannot call her anything else now
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.