My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
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Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Unmatched
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
who wore it better?
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.