My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
You Might Also Like
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Ion see the issue
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
how much for the angry fruit?
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”