My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
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My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
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I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
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My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
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Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.