My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
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I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
pain
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity