My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
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My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.
Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?