Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.

Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.

Who wore it best? #Oscars2015

I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”

[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]

customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too

me: he’s not on the menu

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”

So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter

I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like

Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.

Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.

“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”

[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD

WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.

ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.

HER: I hate you.

🤣🤣

*At the bar

Me)Is this seat taken?

Woman)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.

My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭

Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect

Torturer: you shock him this time

Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle

Torturer: no not— wait really

Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.

my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no

And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked

I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.

That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.

5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…

John Mayer first drafts.

You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.