Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater

My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.

If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?

the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone

1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?

Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.

Her: Does your dog do any tricks?

Me: I taught him to lie on the bed

Her: That’s not impressive lol

Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter

7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?

Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.

6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?

Me: Uh

6: Nevermind, Siri…

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.

I’ve watched this 17,467 times

Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I

I’m not proud

Twitter is like a rocking chair.

It gives you something to do

and takes you nowhere

You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.

My kid said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh

Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?

[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby

mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber

When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”

And that’s why you clean your room, kids.

At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.

No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here

This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?

I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.

[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?

Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone