Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.

A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.

Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?

him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere

Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”

[Animal Shelter]

Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”

Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”

Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.

I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.

It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.

TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog

Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?

J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]

Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.

13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.

Me: What were you doing earlier?

13: Resting so I could stay up late.

I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat!

I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.

I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car

I feel seen.

3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight

Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.

No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog

I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.

DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?

freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later

[first time]

HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?

Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.

(10 minutes later)

My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!

I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭

Running your mouth is not cardio.

Hey, want to be best friends again?

-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened

Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?

Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before