“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
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I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
For anyone who needs this today
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails