Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT

I like big buts.

I can not lie.

Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.

before meds: *hates everything*

after meds: *feels good about hating everything*

How to lose weight:

1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall

[Taken 26]

Abductor: I have your great granddaughter

LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago

[interview at J Crew]

interviewer: explain this gap on your resume

me: no

interviewer:

me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”

Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle

*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here

Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where

Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.

HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES

– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries

– find them 3 months later

– look both ways

– slip them into the trash

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.

Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.

Her: No, I never have….

Me: I asked you not to tell me that.

[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?

Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest

they’re called hooves, dummy🙄

Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare

Librarian: which one?

Me: William

How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?

Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup

When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.

I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.

*Opening presents

1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!

2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!

Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.

I have no passwords left in me

I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.