Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

Why my coworker hates me:

He sends meeting invite for 2pm.

I propose new time of 2:03.

He revises, sends update.

I decline meeting.

Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.

You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…

why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?

I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.

I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.

don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??

Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is

Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job

Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky

I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot

Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.

There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.

1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping

my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do

the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

“What charities do you donate to?”

“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”

If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.

The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again

[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]

My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.

6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?

Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…

Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.

I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.

Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?

My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.