My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
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*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Ovenable?
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.