My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
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*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
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Dog: …
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Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first