I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
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Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon