it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
My waxer just cancelled.
So I’m making the best of a bad situation and riding around on top of minivans, Teen Wolf style.
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Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Outkast: Ok now ladies!
OK: I wanna see y’all on your baddest behavior!
Me: *slowly incurs $18.37 in overdue library fees*
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Doc: Now don’t take these pain meds with alcohol.
Me: Aren’t you adorable.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
[Walking around the office]
Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”