@BritXNic

My waxer just cancelled.
So I’m making the best of a bad situation and riding around on top of minivans, Teen Wolf style.

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@SketchesbyBoze

it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.

@alfageeek

Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.

@eat_pray_liv

Outkast: Ok now ladies!

Me: Yeah??!

OK: I wanna see y’all on your baddest behavior!

Me: *slowly incurs $18.37 in overdue library fees*

@RobbyActually

My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat

@ArfMeasures

BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no

@Chumpstring

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

@thatUPSdude

Doc: Now don’t take these pain meds with alcohol.

Me: Aren’t you adorable.

@CruisinSoozan

Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.

@TheRolo

[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*

Boss: What are you doing?

Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”