My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
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This story lives rent free in my head:
Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.
Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
This makes total sense…
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
hung out w/ my grandad who has dementia today. He came into the kitchen looking distraught while I was making tea & said “have you seen whats happening in America? It’s awful!”. assumed he’d read some election news but turned out he’d been watching Ghostbusters in the living room
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare