Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.

So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.

As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts

People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.

5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?

Me: After lunch time

5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now

My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.

He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.

Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.

I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic

My phone: Would you like to save this password?

Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!

“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”

“Gun”

[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”

Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?

Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”

Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs

[inventing vampire weaknesses]

writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night

writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?

writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!

writer 2: we’re crushing this

[5 hours later]

writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside

writer 2: garlic

bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?

People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me

People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body

People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk

Person: How do you go to the bathroom?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.

[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*

Dearest Twitter,

Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.

I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂

Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.

Pooh on Cold Callers:

These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…

So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol

What legos do when we’re not looking.

why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over

iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep

*next morning*

iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off