My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
You Might Also Like
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning