My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
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Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right