My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
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*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
starting a garage orchestra
Helping my daughter with her 3rd grade math homework has me doubting I ever passed 3rd grade math.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
By Kate Hatos
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!