My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
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[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.