My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
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Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
I already tried new things thanks.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
This a good idea
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Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲