Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

My dog just puked on the floor.

5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!

Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.

shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream

me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*

Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋

Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.

I’m THIS MANY drunk!!

*holds up waffle*

Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…

We ordered tampons.

And they sent the closest appropriate thing.

Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.

I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.

The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.

Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.

Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.

[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS

If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.

Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.

Is this a threat?

[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”

When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.

Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.

No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.

Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics

Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.

Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.

If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.

And live by myself.

I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.

I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey

The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.

“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”

Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.

Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.

Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!