My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
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Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.