My weather forecast is always “room temperature.”

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How do Amish guys know if its a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?


When runner-ups in reality shows say, “I may not have won but I’m still a winner,” do they understand how language and/or competition works?


Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider


The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.


[sloth wedding]


[six months later]



one time in an oral argument the other guy made a latin legal joke I didn’t get, but the judge didn’t get it either so he just sounded like a moron while being smarter than both of us


My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.


Having a wife and daughters, I try bottles in the shower until I find one that doesn’t burn my balls and wash myself all over with that one.


I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown


Who said losing weight was difficult?

“Hello Blood Center? How much longer before I can donate another pint?”