You Might Also Like
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Have kids, they said
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.