My weather forecast is always “room temperature.”

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boss: r u flexible this week
me: i used 2 be able 2 do a split in 4th grade i mean i could try but idk if there’s enough space in ur office


My girlfriend just walked in and called me gay… If
my nails weren’t drying I swear to god…


I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.


Never understand when someone says, “cats are snobby.” Like dogs are constantly inviting you & the kids over for burgers & a swim?


I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.


Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.


I see you pull into my driveway and my heart races. My loins burn. My tummy flutters. I love you, food delivery man.


My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?


Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.


I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.