@ChemBtwnUs

My weather forecast is always “room temperature.”

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@VerifiedJayy

How do Amish guys know if its a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?

@nerdreign

When runner-ups in reality shows say, “I may not have won but I’m still a winner,” do they understand how language and/or competition works?

@pixelatedboat

Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.

@UnFitz

[sloth wedding]

“I”

[six months later]

“do.”

@wyatt_privilege

one time in an oral argument the other guy made a latin legal joke I didn’t get, but the judge didn’t get it either so he just sounded like a moron while being smarter than both of us

@BunAndLeggings

My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.

@Beerhaze

Having a wife and daughters, I try bottles in the shower until I find one that doesn’t burn my balls and wash myself all over with that one.

@amelianashh

I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown

@DBMaxP

Who said losing weight was difficult?

“Hello Blood Center? How much longer before I can donate another pint?”