Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve watched this 17,467 times

This made me smile…

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit

Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money

H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?

The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.

Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)

Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir

Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do

Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place

While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy

My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.

I think this means he wants me to talk to him.

We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.

gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket

I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:

What food is rotting in the office kitchen?

Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.

[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]

Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?

My Kid: yes.

Me: and the milk?

My Kid: yup!

Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?

My Kid: (sigh) yes.

The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.

Me: I like that racecar.

Her: You know that’s a palindrome.

Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.

Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?

Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.

If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life

[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”

I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.

A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.

Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…

Me: Black bread.

Chef: We don’t have that.

Me: Racist.