Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems

“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”

Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.

[on a date with a houseplant]

Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.

Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light

Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”

8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.

RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?

Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent

At McDonalds

Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them

Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap

I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.

one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭

I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches

Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.

9: I want a hug

Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.

I wish I were a British fighter pilot.

Those dudes are Royal AF.

I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy

i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup

me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now

If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean

“Some say I have a drinking problem”

*pours glass of water on lap*

Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.

I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.

Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.

Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.

Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks

Kids: [inside playing on their phones]

Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.

[3 minutes later]

Kids: [outside playing on their phones]

My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.

Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.

(I didn’t say best, I said creative)

Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.