My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
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You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
True?
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
#Caturday
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.