My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
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I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Need WebMD
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we