@just_kdot

my wedding cake gonna be an edible and im not warning anybody

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@trumpetcake

I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.

@Hobo_Splendido

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.

THERAPIST: That’s horrible.

ME: Yeah.

THERAPIST:

ME:

THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?

@UncleDuke1969

“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”

@ElleOhHell

Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion

@junejuly12

Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.

@House_Feminist

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

@DomBorrett

Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’

Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’