I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
my wedding cake gonna be an edible and im not warning anybody
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Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Well that was embarrassing
– my headstone
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.