Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
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I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
I just ran a .003048K
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Friends that check up on you >
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”