My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
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“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.