My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
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cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
when robert pattinson was introduced to snapchat filters
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.