My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
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math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Pretty much. 🤣
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation