My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
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No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Found the job I’m suited for
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”