My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
You Might Also Like
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
That’s not how days work.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?