My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
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My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
I love the National Park Service.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.