My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
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I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No鈥ooking
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it鈥檚 still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I鈥檓 mad at you.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
馃ぃ馃ぃ
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I鈥檓 going through a tunnel
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago