My wedding will be open casket.
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{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
As the Lord intended
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
Mhm.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.