My wedding will be open casket.
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If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.