My wedding will be open casket.
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Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.