Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: this is the worst date EVER

me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”

Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

[First Day As A Director]

Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*

Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.

Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.

this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)

No more excuses…

….next year I’m getting that exorcism.

Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.

they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago

Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”

I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.

exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost

Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.

girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.

Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school

work smarter, not harder

4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?

Me: Yeah, in a minute

4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer

making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me

I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?

*plugs in Xmas lights*

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado

my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me

Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?

Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life

Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo

You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.