Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…

“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…

police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor

Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.

Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.

Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.

Could you play us a song?

Cat Stevens: Maybe.

*Sets guitar on table*

Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.

ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.

*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is

Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount

9: Where’s mom?

Me: Out the back

9: Australia?

M: Out THE back, not the Outback!

9: What’s she doing?

M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think

me: i’m proposing to my gf

sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man

me: i need a ring lol

sonic: *nervous* haha

me: *pulling out a baseball bat*

“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]

My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right

Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.

Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?

Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.

me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here

Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?

Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.

SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox

Kermit goes Blue.

Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.

Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.

Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?

Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there

Cop:….

Me:..

Cop: sir, your tailamp is out

Me:…

Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?

[during sex]

Me: So do you LIKE like me or

It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial

I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.

If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.