Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.

The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever

Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this

watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.

Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.

me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*

my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*

Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.

You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.

I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.

-no one ever

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.

The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun

WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.

[ interview ]

cable company: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?

cable company: when can you start

me: between monday and july

If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.

[Wendy’s]

Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy

Literally! 🤣 #dogs

Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.

I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

…so does murder.

In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.

I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li

if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son

Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”

In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.

I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.

It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.