[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
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Finally!
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Hmmmmm
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.