Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan

Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders

my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me

Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.

6yo: (raises hand)

Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)

6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?

[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)

ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.

hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.

Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor

Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?

Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course

The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hero horse inspires millions

my dad when a sex scene comes on

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.

Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.

Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.

Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.

Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.

Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*

Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.

Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.

Opponent: I wish you luck

Me: Tha—

Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.

Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey

I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.

Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.

Me: how

Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything

A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this

Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)

Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.

I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.