[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
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[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
me linking you to my twitter
this is the news I live for
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me