Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?

Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it

I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”

you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”

My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now

When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.

HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD

We were scrolling through the movie selection on Max and my 8 year old said, “Hey can we watch the Wizard of Ounces?”

Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.

“What was your favorite part of the trip?”

My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”

They’re not wrong

No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.

me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]

person: take $6??

I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.

You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.

marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down

Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.

Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher

When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.

12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this

If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.

I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.

When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.

Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol

My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.

[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”

Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.

I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?