My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
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6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid