My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
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[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
The pen is writier than the sword.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.