@4boding

My weekly retreat is simple: driving alone down country roads for a couple of hours with tunes cranked up and singing loudly to livestock.

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@Terdoh

If you’re in a Mexican prison, “Jesus loves you” might not be very comforting words…

@AnOrangeSNES

Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.

@onion_an

Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?

Detective: He’s white

Other detective: A muscular build

Me: He kills people

@StellaGMaddox

5: “Mommy why not?”

Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”

5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”

@Rachelnoise

15: MOM, WHERE’S MY NIRVANA SHIRT?!
Me: Name THREE songs & I’ll help you look for it.
15: …

@stevevsninjas

The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.

@P0tterhead_394

My music preferences range between something your grandma would listen to, to something that could potentially kill her.

@Robert_Beau

I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’