My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
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“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Who called it baking and not making love
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
waiting for halloween be like:
Reporter: *ports again*
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”