My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
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Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved
🍛
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
My mother’s birthday is tomorrow on Friday the 13th. The only thing she told me she wanted was to not die. If you’ve ever wondered where my sense of humor comes from, there’s your answer.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Have a lovely day 😊
I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy