My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
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“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
#Caturday
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.