My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
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Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .