My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
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Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Let’s Go
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Nosey, gossipy neighbour has fallen out with most of the street at some point. 10 years ago she had her lawn replaced with white pebbles. Every work day since I’ve lobbed my chewing gum on there. I reckon there’s now more gum than pebbles.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me