Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?

A2: I do.

A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.

A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?

A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”

The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.

It’s like grandma always said…

Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.

I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.

She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.

Me: “Is this seat taken?”

Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”

I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers

Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too

[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]

Me: hi I think we were separated at birth

5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?

Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!

Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?

*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*

i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far

*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE

Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”

If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.

DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*

Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”

Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?

*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?

My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.

USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?

me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead

once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”

Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive

Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.

Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.

Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.