Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol

My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.

If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name

Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.

FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.

I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.

The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport

Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.

Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.

good morning

me: I can’t decide what to have

waiter: what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have lasagna

As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.

*middle of a 6 hour road trip,

One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”

GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller

I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem

My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.

Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house

INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?

ME:

INTERVIEWER:

ME:

MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself

every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.

A bad analogy is like a cucumber

At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.

Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp

Knock knock

“Who’s there?”

“Dejav”

“Dejav who?”

Knock knock

Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?

I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.

What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?

All you can yeet.

Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.

Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?

Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth

And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago