My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
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what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.