My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
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My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Forget tequila, I’m at the age where you can wake up with a hangover from Netflix
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th