My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
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He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.