My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
You Might Also Like
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Britain be like
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer