Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*toddler screaming in car seat*

Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.

Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.

The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.

Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.

Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..

Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!

Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.

Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?

Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.

forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10

batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them

alfred: right

batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown

Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.

There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”

Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.

Me: Eat over your plate.

8-year-old: I am.

Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?

8: Gravity.

My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting

please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.

Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS

SE: -on your sub?

ME: PUPPERONI

[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?

Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich

*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*

sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???

Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.

ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?

NEIGHBOR: Deborah

Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.

BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?

ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?

BOSS: Sure. Busy day?

ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.

[begging for change]

POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE

POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn

From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.

Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!