My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.
You Might Also Like
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars