My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
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The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
☠️ ☠️
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]
I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
twitter users today:
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!