My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
