My what?
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Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue