“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
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shampoo implies shampee
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends