“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
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[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side
me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.